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Somewhere in the galaxy Far away, in a lonely solar system...

It's a period of world war,
Cangurmookans, the herbivores and Tutraksas, the carnivores
2 great species fight each other,
Who will control the territory.

One is for the Egalitarianism, one is for the Authoritarianism,
They use magic with the relics
the power damage the planet.

It's been over two centuries,
The resistants are dying,
Only three managed to escape...

Here a teaser of my new book story that you will be able to read it as ebook :D

For moment, I haven't finished the prologue I only have it done and available.

ps: i don't in which category this submission should be.... ^^;

edit: i changed elitism to authoritaruanism, i found out it's what the exact opposite of egalitarianism, which it's perfect! :D
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Ribbontail Featured By Owner May 9, 2015
Hey Allaze, very awesome work on this one! I've always wondered how exactly to go about introducing characters and stories, and a little poetic snippet like this is a good idea.

It gives us a good introduction to the general concept and peoples, and what exactly is going down. A war between two races, with only a few survivors? Oooh shoot! The simplicity of it reads very well, and the vagueness provides a sense of mystery. Your grammar's looking great, too! =D For critiques, I would change up the first line. "Somewhere in the galaxy Far away..." is a very tired line, sort of like "once upon a time".  Instead, perhaps you could hint at the magi-tech that makes this universe unique. An idea: "In a lonely system, where magic and science reigns..." or something in this area. Mix it up and see what sounds fresh!

The only other crits I can offer are simple English grammatical ones: line 5 should end as a question, line 8 should be "The power damaged the planet.", and in the last line the word should be a singular "threes". Overall your English is looking really good, and if your story needs a second beta reader just hit me up! I wish you lots of luck on this first draft, and I'm behind ya on it. :)

Excellent job, Allaze! I'm excited!! <3
Allaze-eroler Featured By Owner May 10, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Heh thank you very much for these feedback! X3 Well, I only intent to make an introduction as a way to let people know what is the setting and all so... A bit like Star Wars does :)

Yep! That is intented! Hehe XD And like I said: thank you very much for this X3 And I changed like you said and that work a bit better now.

Fixed! But I'm not sure about the last part about threes XD; What do you mean by it?
Ribbontail Featured By Owner May 10, 2015
Hey, you're very welcome! It's such a short piece but I know the great, big story behind it. I had ta leave some nice feedback, yes sir!

Aaah, the threes! I'm not sure if this is a cross-language grammar error, but the "three", although it refers to three people, is a singular thing. It's one group. Take a look:
"It's been over two centuries,
The Resistant are dying,
Only threes managed to escape...."
It should be "Only three managed to escape...". Pretty simple mistake, but aah I don't know how to explain it. Just remove the S and you're good! =D
Allaze-eroler Featured By Owner May 11, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Alright! Hehe, you sure like toying me! XD

It will soon be fixed :)

Once again, thank you! :D
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Submitted on
May 9, 2015


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